Eating My Words

Funny how just about the time you say something, the opposite happens. Well, I guess it's time to tell the world we're pregnant.
We did have our very first appointment on Friday, look how cute! We were both super excited. It makes it all feel a lot more real. We were truly blessed to even get the appointment and God granted us favor beyond measure. It seems like every single woman in Brisbane is pregnant, which means every single doctor in Brisbane is booked. Booked solid. Like multi-month waiting list booked. So you need to book your doctor before you're pregnant on the hope that you might be pregnant by the time you have your appointment. Crazy, but true. Then you need Australian insurance, which we obviously don't have, and then you need a general practitioner reference which we also don't have. So our options were to: have the baby in our bathroom, or pray like crazy that something would work out. So we prayed like crazy, played the 'first time parent' card, and most importantly, played our 'foreigner without family near for support' card. (hey, the Bible talks about being shrewd). Ben made the call, which also played at the emotions of the receptionist as a new father wanting to be involved. So, after lots of negotiating and back and forth conversation, she squeezed us in! hooray!!! Once you're in, you're in, so we're all set, thank you Jesus! So we have a female doctor and will be at the largest delivery hospital in the southern hemisphere. Pretty cool. Now we just have to book about a million other appointments and also book our time in the hospital (yeah, you just hope your baby comes at the time you've booked, seriously, everyone is pregnant here!) and our journey begins! 

I've found since being pregnant, I've grown so much closer to God. This might sound beautifully faithful and you immediately think I'm talking about the miracle of life growing inside me and the privilege I feel about being a mother...and that would be nice. However, that is not why I've grown closer to God. 

My day begins with a begging prayer of 'Dear God just get me through today!' and ends with 'Dear God, just let me die already!' and somewhere in-between is the 'Dear God, why me?!' and 'Dear God, please don't let the China-town trash cans line the sidewalks today!' and 'Dear God, don't let me have to do anything important today!' and Dear God, please do not let Mr. X microwave his nasty food again' and 'Dear God, let me at least make it to the bathroom!' and 'Dear God, if I have to eat one more cracker I'm going to bomb a wheat field' get the picture. Paula told me that the more sick you are, the healthier your baby is. Load of crap though it may be, she is my big sister so I believe everything she tells me, therefore, get ready to meet a qualifying olympian come next April. 
I hear so many wonderful things about pregnancy and how great it is and what a special time it is and how I'll want to remember these moments forever and I'm here wondering what the heck these people are talking about and doubting if they've ever been pregnant or known anyone who has been pregnant because it's all LIES! So many awful lies! Don't get me wrong, I love this child, devil-spawn though it may be, but there is absolutely nothing I want to remember about any of this. I have so many countdowns and they can't come fast enough! A countdown to get out of this trimester, a countdown until I have a long weekend from work, a countdown until Christmas when I can mope and get pity from my sister and mom, a countdown until I'm finished with work...none of these things can come fast enough! There is no wishing to prolong or enjoy this specific part of my life. I tried making a pros/cons list so I could focus on the good things, but I ran out of room in the cons category, so I'll only include the pros. 

The pros:
Dolly Parton look-alike. This is not a pro for me, but it's probably the one and only pro saintly Ben can come up with at this point.
Lose-fitting tank tops are still in style. (or at least still in the stores) Although they go along with skinny jeans, I'll just stick to the upper portion of a fashionista this coming summer. 

So instead of 'cons' I thought I would enlighten you on some myths...
You don't gain weight in your first trimester.
Do you know how it makes people feel to tell them they shouldn't be showing or shouldn't have to change clothes or shouldn't worry about any weight gain for the first 12 weeks? How in-appropriate and so not fair! I hate eating, I hate all foods, and I wish I didn't feel like I want to die on a daily basis. However, if I don't eat, I get sick, more than that, if I stop eating for more than 20 minutes I get sick. So yes, I eat all day long, eating foods that I can't stand (because I can't stand any food right now except popsicles and that doesn't work when I'm actively typing with two hands and wearing nice clothes everyday). I hate that I have to eat but I hate even more that I seriously want to die if I don't eat. So yes, that all equals some nice weight gain. 

The cute baby bump.
I've managed to gain stupid amounts of weight in all areas and am lacking anything that resembles what would be called an adorable baby bump. We see the celebrities who look exactly the same as they always have but with a giant red-tabloid-arrow pointing to a wrinkle in their shirt. My arrows point all over my body. Puffy, pudgy, stay-puff...

The Glow?
The only glow I have is from sweat across my ghostly-pale forehead after I've visited my porcelain friend for the millionth time in one day.

Don't eat or drink this giant list of items during your first trimester.
Like the midwife said, 'over 4 million French women can't be wrong every year as they continue to eat soft-cheeses and drink a glass of wine throughout pregnancy.' I gave up on that list...way too long and truly ridiculous. I mean, if my mom was healthy and my grandmother ate all this stuff, and if I was healthy and my mom ate all this stuff...why change something that works? 

You can continue being quite active with your exercise during your first trimester.
Ok, maybe for some women, but for me? No way! Every second I get, I fall asleep. Not to mention, if I even think about jogging, that Dolly Parton thing starts aching. Plus, there aren't trash cans in our gym next to all of the equipment for the sickness, nor can I eat while actively exercising. My yoga routine is almost 45 minutes with my stomach on the ground and the next 45 minute pose-part is just a funny joke to someone who is lopsided. 

All this to sum up my welcome to motherhood!



  1. Oh Laura! First of all Congrats!! So exciting! Second of all, you are right on all accounts! I love my children, pregancy is not a great time for me! I laughed all the way through your descriptions because I experiences most of them! Oh, and ginger helps some with sickness, in gum, in hard candies. Also, I found ice cold lemon water helped too...and all I wanted to eat with both boys was white carbs, white potatoes, white rice, once I ate a whole box of soft pretzels in two days! Ha! Hang in there...this really won't last forever! It can't, I promise!

  2. Dear Dolly,

    I am SO sorry you're having a rough go of it so far :( Paula did too, didn't she? I have all my fingers and toes crossed that things will change in a couple of weeks (or sooner!) In the meantime, don't feel bad about not wanting to prolong this stage. Who would want to??? And I do hope that soon you will enjoy food again, will not feel sick to your stomach EVER, will start to see a little baby bump, Will get your energy back, and will find some cute maternity clothes that make you feel like a sexy mama. I will believe hard enough for both of us that this will all happen in due (and short) time. Try to keep your chin up, or just go ahead and let it rest on your chest while you catch a few ZZZ's-no one will notice the drool. ;) I love you and KNOW you will be a great mom and Ben will be a great dad and when you are holding your little bambino all the terribleness of this time will be totaly erased.


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